Out of Touch

So here I am in highschool. Lost, confused and unaware that I didnt know everything yet I'm walking through life as if I have it all figured out. I was so naive. I treated my education like an extra curriculum activity. Wandering through the halls unnerved by my surroundings. Uninterested in achieving anything. Unfocused and headed nowhere. How did a child who was once enthusiastic about her education. One who had dreams and goals. How did she get lost?  Many wrong turns...and no compass. I was reading the wrong map. So I gave up on the one thing that was most important... Me.

denied

I look like a boy. 

That's how I felt when I was 8. By the time middle school came I still didn't have a shape. 

I was regular. 

I wasn't allowed to fit in. No French rolls. No finger waves. To my mom it was all a sin. 

That's too grown. I don't care what the other parents will allow. You do as I say and you do it when....NOW! 

No winning battles in that house. It was always a constant war.

 'No'was a family member of the verbal persuasion. No talking back and no slamming of doors. 

 Imagine for a moment being mute in a not so silent world. Hating the very essence of being a girl. 

Because with it came so many rules. All of these instructions and no tools. 

Figure it out.

You ever question your existence? Just sat and asked God Why am I here? Well every day that I lived was another day that I feared.

It was as if being a girl was a disease. The lowest common denominator. A fallacy. Always questioning my motives. My intentions. I aimed to be invisible because that's what I was taught. Back straight head held high. Don't give boys a first or second thought. 

But I'm a girl. 

What happened to pretty? 

Why did beauty have to leave out once I entered into the room? 

Who said intellect couldn't exist with beautiful? 

Even while minding after my siblings and pushing a broom. 

Well needless to say good grades left. This was too much to take on. An unwanted stress. To be successful and dreaming big I received much protest. I listened. I was polite. I was of the responsible kind. Since they said it was a terrible thing to waste I created a new world in my mind. I got lost in my creativity. Read books as a way out. Those characters I became. Their story I lived.
Freedom at last.
If only for a couple of hours, I got a chance to escape. And at this point in my journey I took what I could take.
I was pretty during those moments. Long and flowing hair. Eyes that gave no clues of the secrets I had bestowed. No borders around my dreams. It was there I could just let go.
 I escaped.
 I found my only friend. Me. My alter ego.  It was there I didn't have to pretend.

But that didn't stop the other me from being condemned.

 I wasn't perfect enough. You ever try living with rage and passion? Love and hate? Rushing through life hoping for an escape? I found myself drifting...

conception

Fancy isn't it? Deep wombs of complicated mysteries tucked away inside of an unopened box. Treasures buried. Hidden. Never to be realized. Until..
Until the day that white sterile walls surrounded me. Eyes piercing through slightly worn glasses challenged me. My guilt became my comfort. I nestled there. Not totally comfortable but comfortable enough. Betrayed by my own thoughts, I chose to rest in my confused state of being. Existing only in physical form. I left. I went to an unknown. I was resting. The thought of escaping my newly found mirage was not thought of. My hidden treasures, the ones that were buried deep inside of me could not be found or that would have been the end of me. At least that's what I thought.

Awakened

I wanted to die. So at night I stayed up and cried. After cutting a wrist that remained intact after countless tries. The knife dropped to the floor and I just cried. Wondering why am I still alive.

I wanted to die. But instead of drifting off into eternity. Reality set in.

And the stillness of voices whispered in my ear.

LIVE 

This mirror that's before me reflects life's descrepancies. Seized with much power. Dismantled by common casualties. Dismissed from a thinking world. Forward movement doesn't exist. Tainted spirits. Deceptive minds. Ignorance is Bliss. Staring at this reflection. I question..where did we go wrong? Collecting wrong choices as if their badges of honor. The horror.
#speakRED #poetry #spokenword

All of this time Ive been writing my dreams, visions, thoughts on pages just to stow away for my own viewing. When I started on this journey it was just to free me, but then I thought, what If my words could heal another...So my journey begins. Take a walk with me. #SpeakRED